For Grandparents Raising a Service Member's Kids During Deployment-to-Separation

A service member deploys, and the grandkids come to live with grandma. The deployment ends, but the service member has to PCS, then PCS again, and the kids stay put for school stability. The service member separates, struggles with mental health, and the kids stay with the grandparents through that too. What started as "a few months" has become two years.

Or: a single-parent service member is on active duty and the grandparents are the de facto custodians during every deployment. Or: a service member dies, and the grandparents become the kids' primary caregivers permanently.

Each of these scenarios is real and common in military families. The grandparents end up in a role they didn't fully sign up for, with kids they love, navigating systems they didn't know existed.

This guide is for the grandparent in this role. The legal questions, the financial realities, and the emotional terrain.

How it usually starts

Three common patterns:

Pattern 1: Family Care Plan during deployment

When a single-parent service member or dual-military couple deploys, they're required to have a Family Care Plan (DD Form 5305) designating who cares for their children. Often this names a grandparent.

The Family Care Plan is administrative — it tells the military who has the kids during deployment. It doesn't grant legal custody to the grandparent.

Pattern 2: Informal extended care

The service member gets the kids back from deployment but is in transition turbulence — separating, moving, dealing with mental health, in school, divorce. The kids stay with grandparents informally for months or years.

This pattern often has no legal documentation at all.

Pattern 3: Permanent caregiving

The service member dies (combat, accident, illness, suicide). The kids permanently move in with grandparents. Or: the service member is unable to parent due to ongoing health/mental health/substance issues, and the grandparents become permanent custodians.

This pattern requires legal action — guardianship or adoption — to function.

Legal questions: what authority do you actually have?

Without legal documentation

If you're caring for grandkids without legal guardianship or custody, your authority is limited:

• You can provide daily care
• You generally can't make medical decisions in emergencies (some states allow grandparents to consent in narrow circumstances)
• You can't enroll them in school in your district (varies by state)
• You can't access their medical records
• You can't apply for benefits on their behalf
• You may have no legal standing if a parent or other relative tries to take them

The Family Care Plan helps with deployment-period authority but doesn't extend afterward.

What documents help

For longer-term informal arrangements:

• Power of Attorney for Healthcare — the service member parent grants you authority to make medical decisions
• Power of Attorney for Educational Decisions — for school enrollment and decisions
• Standby Guardianship — in some states, allows you to be temporarily designated as guardian without going through full court process
• Third-Party Custody / Caretaker Affidavit — varies by state; some states have streamlined processes for grandparents

When formal guardianship makes sense

If the arrangement is going to last more than a few months, formal legal guardianship is often appropriate. It establishes:

• Authority for healthcare decisions
• Authority for school enrollment
• Standing in family court
• Eligibility for various benefits and services
• Stability for the kids

Guardianship typically requires court process, parental consent (or judicial finding of inability to consent), and ongoing reporting requirements. An attorney experienced in family law can navigate.

Adoption is different

Adoption permanently terminates the parental rights of the biological parents. Used when the service member parent is deceased or has voluntarily surrendered rights, or when the situation is permanent and adoption is in the child's best interest.

Adoption is a bigger legal step than guardianship and usually requires more substantial process.

Financial realities

Income for the kids

If the service member parent is alive, the kids should still be receiving:

• Active duty BAH-with-dependents (if the parent is still serving)
• Possibly child support (if there are court orders)
• DEERS-based military benefits
• TRICARE coverage
• Possibly other pay (Family Separation Allowance if deployed)

The parent should be sending child support to the grandparent caregiver. If they're not, that's a real conversation to have.

Income from the kids' situation

Grandparents raising grandkids can sometimes access:

• TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families) — federal program, state-administered. Income-based. Available even when the kids are with grandparents.
• SNAP (food stamps) — for the kids' household
• Medicaid (CHIP) — if not on TRICARE
• Foster care payments in some states, if the arrangement is formalized as kinship foster care
• Social Security survivor benefits if the service member parent has died
• VA Dependents' Educational Assistance (DEA / Chapter 35) for kids of service-connected-deceased veterans

If the service member dies

The kids are entitled to:

• DIC (Dependency and Indemnity Compensation) — monthly VA payment per child until age 18 (or 23 if a full-time student)
• Survivor's and Dependents' Educational Assistance / Fry Scholarship for college
• Social Security survivor benefits until age 18 (or 19 if still in high school)
• CHAMPVA healthcare coverage
• Possibly state survivor benefits

The DIC payments to children typically go through whoever has legal custody of the children. If grandparents have custody, the payments come to them for the kids' care.

The cost reality

Raising kids costs money. Even with all available benefits, grandparents often experience real financial strain. The longer the arrangement, the more strain.

If you're a grandparent in this position, run the math. What's coming in (any child support, federal benefits, etc.). What's going out (housing, food, clothing, school, healthcare not covered). The gap is what you're funding from your retirement savings or fixed income.

This is a real burden and one that should be openly discussed with the service member parent if they're alive.

The kids' emotional terrain

Kids in this situation often carry layered grief and confusion:

• Missing the deployed parent
• Adjusting to a different household routine
• Sometimes adjusting to a different city or school
• Sometimes hearing things about the parent that don't fit their image (mental health, substance, behavioral issues)
• Eventually, possibly, reintegrating with a parent who's a different person than the one who left

Each of these is real. Kids may act out, withdraw, regress, perform okay-ness, or any combination.

Grandparents supporting these kids should know:

• It's not about you. The kids' emotional state isn't a referendum on your caregiving.
• Therapy helps. Many kids in these situations benefit substantially from individual or family therapy. Vet Centers offer free family counseling for service-connected family situations. Tricare and CHAMPVA cover therapy. State CHIP / Medicaid often does.
• Routine is medicine. Stable schedules, predictable meals, regular sleep, consistent rules — these stabilize kids whose lives have been turbulent.
• Talk about the parent. Don't pretend they don't exist. Don't denigrate them. Help the kids hold a coherent story of who their parent is and why they're not present right now.
• Watch for mental health concerns. Depression, anxiety, behavioral changes, school problems — engage early, not after a crisis.

The relationship with the service member parent

Often the most complicated aspect.

When they're functioning

Stay in regular contact. Send updates. Photos. School news. Make sure the kids talk to them on a schedule.

Don't replace them. The kids should know their parent loves them, even from a distance. You're caretaking, not parenting in the parent's absence.

When they're struggling

Mental health, substance issues, transition crisis. The grandparent role becomes harder.

• Don't shield the kids from reality, but don't burden them with it either.
• Don't badmouth the parent in front of the kids.
• Set clear boundaries about contact (e.g., not when intoxicated, not late at night, not with topics inappropriate for kids).
• Encourage the parent to engage with treatment without making the kids the leverage.

When they're absent without explanation

Long stretches of no contact. Phone disconnected. No replies. This is hard for the kids and hard for you.

• Tell the kids the truth at age-appropriate level. "Daddy is having a hard time right now and isn't reaching out as much. He still loves you, and we'll see what happens."
• Try to maintain relationship indirectly (through the parent's siblings, friends, command if still serving).
• Engage Coaching Into Care or other family support resources.
• Don't assume the worst and don't promise the best. Just stay steady for the kids.

When they want the kids back

This is a legal and practical conversation. If the parent's situation has stabilized and they want resumed parenting, the path forward depends on:

• Legal arrangement currently in place
• Parental fitness (genuinely capable of parenting?)
• Kids' wellbeing (the kids' interests come first)
• Practical logistics (housing, schools, support systems)

Family law attorneys experienced in military family situations are critical for navigating returns of custody.

Resources

• VA Caregiver Support Line: 1-855-260-3274 (yes, includes grandparents caring for service member's kids in some situations)
• State Family Resource Centers (often have programs specifically for grandparents raising grandchildren)
• AARP GrandFamilies (grandfamilies.org) — resources, advocacy, support groups
• Military Family Life Counselor (MFLC) — free counseling for military family members
• Vet Centers for family counseling related to service-connected stress
• Generations United (gu.org) — national grandfamilies advocacy
• State legal aid for guardianship cases
• National Military Family Association — resources and advocacy

What to remember

Being a grandparent caring for a service member's children is a real, common, and largely invisible role. The legal, financial, and emotional dimensions are substantial. Many grandparents in this position feel alone — they shouldn't.

Whatever your situation:

• Get the legal arrangements right for your situation (POA, standby guardianship, formal guardianship, or adoption as appropriate)
• Access every benefit you and the kids are entitled to
• Get the kids appropriate mental health support
• Maintain the relationship with the service member parent within reason
• Take care of your own health, finances, and emotional life
• Connect with others doing similar work

You're not just helping out. You're providing the stability that lets the kids — and possibly the service member parent — eventually rebuild. That's significant work, and it deserves real support.